LiveJasmin

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I am a self confessed LiveJasmin web cam addict. Why? Because I have found that, like talking to cab drivers in New York, London, Mexico City or Singapore, you can get a better sense of what is going on in the world from people who actually live there, and an understanding of their country and culture.

If you are just looking for Live Jasmin you can chat for free with the girls by clicking HERE.

I reckon if more people spent time chatting to others across the web, we'd increase our understanding of each other and cut down on fights and scraps. Make love not war!

One of the first ladies I chatted to on LiveJasmin was Vanilla Sky.

When I asked her what she was doing on the site, she told me that she was saving up for a holiday and this was a safe and anonymous way of getting some cash together while she finished her studies. A 20 yr old beauty with long dark hair, her real name was Jessica and she will blow you a kiss for 20 cents.

Here is a snapshot of our conversation:

Me: Where are you from?

Jessica: Oh Eastern Europe - never you mind, a nice place

Me: How's the weather? What is the geo-political situation like there at the moment.

Jesssica:  Well, we are slowly adapting to a more market driven economy but are still suffering from the communist legacy. You wanna go private? Click Here and I´ll Get Naked Big Boy!

Me: Is life better now or was it preferable with a communist regime?

Jessica: Dunno, I have always had a McDonalds round the corner, but my gran says geting bread used to be a real drag in the old days, so that's better I guess. Mind you I was in Tescos the other day and there was more than 3 people in the queue even though the sign said that they would open more counters, so that was getting on my wick. You wanna have some fun in private big boy?

Me: and what about inflationary pressures in your part of the world?

Jessica:  Listen buster, you wanna talk macroeconomics go watch Bloomberg- what about going private

Me: No thanks, just wanted the run down from where you are

Jessica: *!@$ off out of my page you loser

So there you have it. Granted, she got a little arsey towards the end, but in those brief moments I picked up some key information about her coutry and the macro-economic situation there. By analysing her sentence structure and facial feautures, I was able to estimate her country of origin.

The next web cam lady I spoke to was AAAAAMore. After my successful dialogue with VanillaSky, I was keen to broaden out the scope of my investigation to another country, or at least to widen the topic to other matters pertaining to the same geographical area.

Here we go:

Me: Hi AAAAAMore! Hows it going

AAAAAMore: Cool Baby! Where u from

Me: How did you get your name?

A: Well I thought of AMore but that had gone, so then I tried AAMore and that had gone also. When I tried AAAMore and AAAAMore, unbelievably someone had got there before me! Can you believe it? I quickly entered AAAAAMore into my pc, and luckily was fast enough to reserve it- so there you have it! Want to see me in Private? Click Here and I´ll Show you my long luscious legs and pert tits honey!!

Me: Where are you from? Can you tell me a little about the  size and population of the country- what's the ethnic mix and religion for example?

A: Are you that prat that has just been chatting to VanillaSpy about inflation?

Me: Maybe

A: You are, aren't you, you saddo. Listen pal, this is a webcam site not a *$%?ing UN forum

Me: Aren't you interested in what's going on in your country?

A: Yeah sure, I take an interest in the acceleration of the gross domestic product here and I like to keep an eye on our money supply, especially since the consumer credit boom is being fueled by foreign banks who are heating up things on a crazy scale, but this is neither the time or the place to be talking about this. For Pete's sake, I am sitting here in my pants looking sexily at my webcam and I am having a conversation with some bozo about macroeconomics and racial mix in Hungary

Me: Ah! So you are in Hungary then?

A:  &%$£ off!

So there was my conversation with AAAAAMore. Again you might think it was a bit limited on information, but for my money I got alot of information out of the chat, not least actually where AMore lives. As you can see, I am slowly honing my technique of teasing tits bits out of the ladies, by sort of going under cover more and more at the beginning of the exchange, and pretending to be more interested in carnal pursuits as opposed to topics that occupy a somewhat higher plane.

Well, you might say that I was on something of a roll as far as learning the intricate workings of various countries from the very nice web cam ladies at LiveJasmin was going. I decided to push on, this time talking to a nice girl who was going under the name of HotBrunet: she was undoubtedly hot but not great at spelling I imagined. See how my style is changing to become more with the program and up with the web cam lingo my friend, and learn the technique of masking your secret agenda of collecting data on the social and geographical questions that many countries overseas are facing. Here is how I got on:

Me: Yo! HotBrunet! How's it hanging?

HotBrunet.  Hi! You like banana?

Me: What?

HB: You like banana?

Me: Well...., yes but I don't see what that has to do with th-

HB: HotBrunet show you banana if you like

Me: Do you have any used panties?

HB: What?

Me: Used panties. Do you sell them?

HB: My used panties. (muffled into microphone-- hey AAAAAMore, check this out, this guy wants to buy used panties!)
AAAAAMore: Nooooooo! wait, hang on I'm coming over, just a minute I've got some weirdo online. let me just get rid of him

HB: You still want panty?

Me: Where are you from? Did you vote in the last election there?

HB: Well, I would rather not say where exactly, but we did recently have a decision borne out of universal suffrage that enable us to elect a new head of state. Given that our constitution is relatively new, it was very exciting all thing considered.

AAAAAMore: Watch it HotBrunet, I think I recognise this loser- he keeps coming on wanting to chat about macroeconomics and the like

HotBrunet: I thought he wanted some used panties

AAAAAMore: That's probably just a scam to get you talking about higher topics once you have exhausted the conversation about your nether regions.

Me: No, no- what about banana-  I wanna see LiveJasmin banana

HB: See? Now he wants banana. You want go private see 'nana?

Me: Did you import the banana? How do you think that will affect the balance of trade in your country?

AAAAAMore/HotBrunet:  REARRANGE THESE WORDS. YOURS UP. HEAD STICK A** YOUR UP HEAD.

So there you have it. I think you will agree that my technique, although not yet perfect by any means, has developed to an extent that I can now lengthen my conversation with the ladies (hell, even two at a time) when one or more of said persons become suspicious of my true motives, which is to amass ideas and information on the internal affairs of nations from within the former soviet bloc, and to cultivate hypotheses on their future developments and outcomes.

And so on to Porscher, that racy streamlined Uber babe puting and squirming in front of her webcam. I´d spotted her immediately on the site as she was wearing very tight panties. Wey Hey, here we go on my research, I am lovin´ it, as Ronald so eloquently put it.

Bringgg Bringgg. Bringgg Bringgg.
-Porscher:  "Hello"
- Me:  "Hello! Is that Porscher?"
- "Yes. Who´s this".
- "Tony. Tony Rubadubalot. How are you doing"
- "Good. Listen, can I phone you back? I´m in a meeting"
-"No, you´re not! I can see you on your webcam in your bra and pants!"
-"WHAT! you freak, how did you get my number?"
-"You tatooed it on your butt. It´s on the website on one of your photos"
-"Oh yeah, sorry. Anyway, can we do this over the webcam thingy, only I don´t make any pesos if you phone me personally"
-"Ah yeah, sorry. What´s the exchange rate right now"
-What?"
-"I said what´s the exchange rate right now?"
-"To what? US Dollars or Euros?" Right now we have around 2300 pesos to the dollar and 3000 to the Euro. We are sitting at around 1.25 to the Venezualan Bolivar- Back 9 months ago it was 3. Man, its crashed, and I had a stack of shares in some oil company in Maracaibo.  If you want to change Columbian Pesos to Iranian Rials I´ll give you 3 rials for each peso.
-"What are you some exchange rate nut or something? I though you did live sex shows on LiveJasmine"?
-"That´s my cover. It enables me to shift alot of cash around the International Banking system without getting above the radar. I´v had a few feds on my tail, but then when I showed them my tail they seemd to back off a bit."
-"Well, good talking to you. I´m not going to chat to you on the webcam ´cos frankly I am too stingy to pay the fee, but it doesn´t sound like you need it."
-"Nope. Piss off then you feckwit"
-"Yeah, cheers. nice talking to you."
-"Wanka."

Amazing hey? The amount of information you can get out of these chicks. There´s me thinking that they are sitting there just getting their kit off of rubbing their tits on cam, while all the time ol´ turbo Porscher is using the site a scam front for her multi-million dollar Columbian-Iranian Forex trades. Incredible. And I get the feeling that the more I practise this, the more I get respect from these financially astute girls.

Well, its been a while since I have been chatting to the lay-deees at Livejasmin, but that is because some of the so called lay-dees weren't ladies at all, in fact they turned out to be darn right feisty, and once they had sussed out my ploy of developing my economic theories and models of exchange rate mechanisms through the website by talking to naked chick about their figures, they clubbed together and hounded me off the site- and then didn't stop until my ISP had banned me for being a total perv. Can you imagine? Banned from your ISP by VanillaSky- I mean if that isn't a fake porno name, I don't know what is.

Anyway, I am back, and keen to continue my studies. Thanks to my new satellite Internet connection organised by the Antartic Fijian base, I am stronger and wiser. I'd like to see some bikini clad Livjasmin live sex babe try and ban me from that connection. Bring it on babes! Come to Daddy and wake up and smell the coffee bubble butts!

Anyway, imagine my delight in finding a whole new group of half naked lovelies to chat to on the site. Here's a transcript of my chat with GoldieFish, which from the look of her picture has a Goldie Fishy butt.

Me: "Hey Goldie Fishy Butt, how's it going?"

GoldieFish: "Piss off Malcolm, we know it's you. You're the sado with the penchant for talking macro economic theory with the lay-dees. Which is fine, by the way, except that you never pay, you're always on free chat. The only macro economic theory you need to know is that if you don't open your economic wallet, you can shove your questions up your macro hole and kiss your Keynesian theories goodbye."

Me: "Aw come on Fishy Gold, give me a break."

GoldieFish: "No, piss off and don't think we can't cancel your ISP connection neither. By the look of your IP address you are using Joe down in the Fijian Antartic base who is one of my regulars. I would give you another 2 minutes.

So, there you have it. Again, you might think that was a disaster, but I have managed to ascertain from Goldie's slang (piss off, neither), that she is probably a UK "bird" and what's more probably hails from the land of the pearly kings and queens, that being cockney, innit. That sai d s als q'j .....%$ **+....................................hang on.....losing connectyxion what the fuc...........'kin cow........hey Joe feck..hold on ** ....

 OK, OK Live Jasmin girls, I get the message- you have rumbled me. I hold my hands up, I apologise, I an very very sorry. I won´t do it again. I promise I won´t be a naughty boy and try and get naked chat minutes for free while I quiz you on macroeconomic facts and details of your home countries. Please, please can you organise for my Internet connection to be restored before Christmas, as my mate down at the Fijian Antartic base really was my last resort and the likes of Yahoo, AOL and Wanadoo all seem to be in your clutches as they have all told me to take my laptop and plug the USB connection where the sun don´t shine and I don´t want to do that, the metal plug is awfully cold. I really am extremely sorry, and if you could just see it in yourselves to forgive little ol´ me at this festive time of year, I promise I will be registering my credit card on Live Jasmin cams or even the LivePrivates option and racking up the minutes quicker than Mr Randy from RandyVille, BigHornston. Lots of love and ever yours Malcolm xxx. ps, if you are interested in talking to me about the macroeconomic situation in your country send me a postcard to Malcolm, Wan King Street, Hu Flung Dung, Flyng Zhit Hai, Hainan, China. Ta x. To the left is a picture of me before I had my sex change operation and nasal hair transplant done last summer. Hot, wasn´t I? Hubada-hubada-hubada as the head board used to say on my bed of a Saturday night after a few Piña Coladas and a healthy run down with Stork margarine.

Oh my gawd, I am back from an absolute nightmare- had the Live Jasmin fetish gang on my tail for months after I tried to use underhand tactics on the site to accumulate macroeconomic and socio-political information from the laydees. First they hounded me off the site, then they destroyed my Internet connection (organised through a Fijian running a special services line down in the Antartic who had routed it up through Panama to me), and finally when I side stepped all of that lot and got down to some more dirty research under a new pseudonym "Butt Hang", they routed me out on the same IP address and sent "Sexy Romana" after me.

Take it from me, there is nothing sexy about SexyRomana, its a complete misnomer. She´s a complete ball buster. See those clamps on her udders? She´s got a box full, and once she caught up with me doing me Jasmin stories, she sprung 6 of them on me nuts, 3 on each bollock. Excrutiating.

Anyway, don´t you fret my friend. You think a crazed LiveJasmin hussy can scare me off the chase? Hell yes. I went to ground for around 3 months and gave myself a daily dose of ice down the pants to get back to feeling myself again.

But don´t worry, now I´m back, so keep posted for some soul searching and deeply penetrating interviews with the wonderful laydees of livejasmin fame, humpada humpda, ooo ee yessir jest you wait n see boy.

I am repeatedly asked whether my close relationship with some of the laydees at Livejasmin gives me the ol´ leg up on Livejasmin passwords, free livejasmin logins and generally hacks and ways to get into the Livejasmin site without dusting off me ol´ wallet or at least dislodging a few mothballs.

Well I have been tossed and turned around and abused, you might say, by the loverly creamy thighed naked beauties with the huge bouncing melons and all because I was interested in attaining some macro economic facts and anthropologicaql details about their kind and the humidity level of their panties, whoops sorry getting carried away their soldier, sniff sniff, phwoar.

Where was I - oh yes free passwords for Livejasmin. Well I have a good scam which I would like to share with you folks out there is you would like to pervy on down with the luscious liejasmin laydees, oh yes siree.

Visit Livejasmin and ask for Sexy Jassy. That´s her on the right being all sht and covering up her hooters with her right hand- by the way, as an aside- she´s got a phd in testicology so don´t mess. Sign up for an account on the spot and load in $50 into your account. Sexy Jassy should send you an email right back with free access to the webcams- well free until your minutes run out anyway.

Good luck soldier. Remember, Charlie don´t perv and the laydees at livejasmin lurve a good hair job down behind the pink pants section. 

Well I got ma ass whooped by one of them nice ladees from livejasmine. You wanna know why? Fur no other reason than adding a tiny little "e" by mistake onto that there name of the site there. Check this out- I recorded ma conversayshun with AliceSquirt who is called AliceSquirt on account of the Squirtin´ that she does, oh and her real name is Alice, so she has kinda tacked that on the bak of her name, neat huh? That´s what I call the reel deel.

Me: Het AliceSquirt, how ya doin´ on the ol´ Livejasmine

AliceSquirt: It´s not called Livejasmine, it´s called Livejasmin. You have added an extra "e" onto the name by mistake.

Me: Ah yeah, sorry SquirtyAlice, i musta tapped the keyword in wrong, got me an extra e there.

AliceSquirt: Yeah, well can you please pay more attention to what you are typing. We get people typing Livejasmine the whole time and, although you might think it´s a trivial thing, over the months and years if I am continually having to correct people´s spelling on a daily basis, it gets extremely wearing.

Me: Ooo errrr, sorreee. I been a naughty boy SquirtyPantsAlice

AliceSquirt: Yes you have actually, you loser. And stop calling me SquirtyPants you moron.

Me:  I thought all you gals on Livejasmine were just meant to get yur tits oot. When did the spelling shite come in to play

AliceSquirt: You´ve done it again you Neanderthal. It´s Livejasmin. Write it out 50 times and stick a piece of bubble gum on your nose and go and stand in the corner you waster. Livejasmin. Livejasmin. Livejasmin. NOT Livejasmine. grrrrrrrrrr

Me: Well thanks for the chat AliceSquirtButt from Squirtypantsville, Squirtypantsland. Ahm off, i have done what I came here to do and that was get me sum SquirtyPants

AliceSquirt: Ugh. Er, fancy going private?

Me:  Yeah, alright.

So that was that. So watch ur fingas big boy. Don´t be gettin them all smelly and typing in an extra "E" gos SquirtyAlicePants don´t like hearing Livejasmine oh no sir